Wednesday Weigh-In: Oh, Hello Again!

Yeah.  It's been a really long time since I did a Wednesday Weigh-In post.  If you're new to my blog, I used to do a weekly post to track my weight loss, exercise and healthy eating.  I did it while Joel was in Iraq last year and lost nearly 30 pounds during his 7-month deployment.  The posts pretty much stopped once he came home, mostly because I stopped working out regularly, starting snacking at night and started making more stick-to-your-ribs kind of meals.

So although I was beyond thrilled to have my husband home, I pretty much lost track of my new healthy lifestyle.  It happens, right?

I have worked out off-and on since he came home.  But not at all regularly.  And because of that and my new-found love of nachos, I put on about 10 pounds.

Right now, Joel and I are beginning to talk about baby #3.  We don't have a timeline or anything in place, but I know before I am really ready to get pregnant again, I want to lose about 10-15 pounds.  Mostly because I want to have less weight to lose post-baby and also because I just want to be in a really healthy place before I get pregnant again.

And that is why I'm back with my Wednesday Weigh-In posts.  I'm ready to get back on track and I hope that sharing with you all my highs and lows, that I'll have some accountability.

I got a membership to the Y this week and I have a friend who's going to go with me to workout.  Wish me luck!!

Wednesday Weigh-In & Other Randomness

Hello all!  I feel like I've near abandoned this blog during the last several weeks.  I keep meaning to do update posts and let you all know how life has been since Joel got home, but my follow-through has been poor, at best.

So, let's start with my weigh-in.  I've been keeping up with weighing myself on Wednesday mornings - every week.  Unfortunately, I don't have much to brag about.  I haven't lost any weight and I can't honestly say that my eating's been all that great.  I've been cooking healthier, but the Oreos and ice cream always seem to sneak in around bedtime.  I'm pretty much shooting myself in the foot with this.  I haven't worked out in two weeks.... I'm in the middle of a second wicked cold in the past three weeks.  My asthma has been terrible because of all the junk in my lungs, so I honestly can't go out for a run or get on the elliptical machine until it's all cleared up.

But, I do have plans to get back into running regularly.  Joel would like us to maybe run a race together soon.  I've never run for any reason besides health and torturing myself - so the idea of racing makes me laugh.  I keep telling him that a race wouldn't be much of a race for me.  He just responds by saying that he'll keep up pace with me.  I'm not sure he knows what he's committing to...

And if my marathon-running father-in-law is reading this... No.  You don't want to run with me when we come out to visit....  You'll lose any respect for me that you may have at this point.  Promise!

Besides not losing weight, not working out, being sick and being a terrible blogger... life is going pretty well.  I have much to update you all on and will hopefully get back on the horse soon!

Hope you're all well.  Thanks for hanging in with me!

Wednesday Weigh-In

Joel and I were away last week on Wednesday, so I had a week break from the scale.  I was back on it this morning and was happy to see that I'm back to where I was before Joel got home.  I have about 3 pounds to go now at this point.

Tomorrow, I have a date with my running shoes... and my inhaler.

Wednesday Weigh-In

This morning was a little depressing.  I'm pretty sure I heard the scale laugh at me when I got on it this morning.  I haven't worked out at all since Joel got home and our kitchen is stocked with lots and lots of junk food - cookies, cake, ice cream, chips, dip, and more cookies.  And since Joel is still not back to his normal sleeping schedule, he's been getting up very early in the mornings and making us pancakes, coffee cake and muffins for breakfast.  A far cry from my bowl of Special K. 

I did grocery shopping on Monday and have a week of healthier meals planned.  Wish me luck!

Today I start back on regular exercise - the elliptical today and I'm going to go into respiratory distress tomorrow by running.  I haven't run since before I got pregnant with Autumn, so I'm sure to get reacquainted with my inhaler at some point soon.

Here's the cake from Joel's welcome home party -

half of which came home with us and was quickly devoured.



MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

Thanks, Wife of a Sailor!


1.If you were a famous movie star, what types of movies would you star in?
I'm pretty sure if I was an actress I would be a bad one and the only draw to see my movies would be that I had some major drama going on in my personal life.  So, I would always star in very predictable, but always enjoyable romantic comedies.


2.What is a vacation you would like to take if money were no object?
My father immigrated to the U.S. from Germany when he was nine.  I had the chance to visit Germany with my family when I was 15, but I've always dreamed of going back there with my parents, my sister and her family and my husband and our girls.  It would be so neat to visit my dad's hometown together and enjoy a part of our family history there.

3.Did you have pets growing up?
I'm pretty much allergic to anything with fur, so we were limited to fish and birds.  I had a bird named Star who went crazy one Christmas and we found her/him/whatever dead one morning.  Fish were fish, but I always remember being really disappointed when the goldfish would die within just a few days of bringing them home.

4.What do you do for exercise?
We have an elliptical machine.  I go through long periods of pretending it doesn't exist and then I'll have a short period when I really enjoy working out on it.  Joel is a runner and has hopes that we'll start running together when he gets home.  I've been seriously having dreams about running with him but I can't get my legs to work.  So, I think I've already set myself up to fail.

5.What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever received as a MilSpouse?
Wow.  This question is so tough for me.  I can't say that I've received a lot of advice, but I have gotten so much encouragement - from both those in and out of the military community.  I guess something that always means the world to me is to know that people genuinely support us and are praying for us.  Some days are really rough and I always think about the community of people out there who love us and are rooting for us.  That helps me to get through.

Wednesday Weigh-In

After a week of good eating and lots of exercise, the scale stayed steady this morning.  No movement from last week.  What?  I fiddled with the scale to make sure it wasn't broken.... I brought in my hand weights to make sure it was accurate.  Grr.  But I guess staying steady is better than gaining weight.  So, I'll go with that.

Before I got on the scale this morning, Grace wanted to go on.  And then I went on.  What did her little voice say?  "Whoa!  Yours goes way up, Momma."  Um, yeah.  Thanks, kid.  Jerk.  Uh, I mean Sweetie.

School was cancelled today because the roads in the area are so bad.  So now I'm trying to figure out what to do to keep two kids occupied, happy and whine-free today.  I see lots of coloring, singing and Candy Land in my future.

Wednesday Weigh-In

Just wanted to let you know that I'm on break from my normal Wednesday weigh-in.  It's Christmas and I'm trying to be as good as I can be...  next week I'll see what damage I've done.  And then I'm sure the elliptical machine and I will be back to our regular visits.

Merry Christmas and enjoy it in all its deliciousness.

My Body Battle

There is a reason why I only pull out the scale once a week before my Wednesday Weigh-In posts.  My desire to be "healthy" can become unhealthy and very compulsive without much warning.

Control is the name of the game for me.  It still is.  When life seems out of control, there are a few things that I can easily manage, and food is one of them.  Somehow knowing that I have self-control with what goes in my mouth helps me think, believe and feel that the craziness of life is a little bit more manageable.  Every time life gets tough, I turn to food either as a way to seek comfort or a way to "manage" things that are unmanageable.

College became, for me, the time of constant transition.  Starting school, beginning new friendship, forging an identity outside of my family, deciding a career path...  Everything was new and different, and hard.  I mean really hard.  I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and I found myself suddenly playing the part of adult.  My parents weren't there to make decisions for me.  My friends were hours away and I felt out of my element.  So, I jumped head first into controlling my food - not with the intention of losing weight.  Eating as little as possible made the worries and stresses seem a little less difficult.

Over the next year or so, I would go back and forth with periods of hardly eating and then whatever weight I lost during that time, would quickly come back.  During my sophomore year, I was feeling alone and depressed after transferring to a new college and food, once again, became my means toward finding normalcy.  I remember that for about a month, all I ate was iceberg lettuce with a bit of ranch dressing for flavor and cereal bars.  To wash it down, I'd drink Coke.  Lots of Coke.  So, without much in my stomach except for Coke, I had constant heartburn and I would wash down Tums, with well, more Coke.  When I wasn't doing stuff for school or busy with other activities I would run at night.  And not just a jog around the block, but a hard run, until the world started to spin.  It was my way of beating myself up for the fact that I felt out of control.  I dropped about 20 pounds in about 2 months during that time.

The summer that Joel and I met was a stressful time for me.  My plan was to finish my Senior year as a part time student so that I could work more and save up money.  So, the summer before my senior year, I had signed up to do a full-time internship as well as two independent PE classes.  I would work 32 hours a week and then have school work to turn in for my internship as well as many hours of workouts and homework for my PE classes.  If I wasn't working or hanging out with friends, I was running.  I started losing weight quickly because I had to put in about 7 hours of workouts a week just to fulfill my class requirements, and I was working out more in addition to that.  I felt overwhelmed with the amount of responsibilities I had during that time - exercise was no longer making me feel as in control, so I started to purge.  Purging somehow made that overwhelmed feeling go away for a while.  All the stress, anxiety and feeling not good enough went away when my stomach felt totally empty.

Toward the end of that summer, I got really good at purging and could do it within just a few moments of trying.  I would lie to my roommates  when they'd ask me what was going on and just tell them that I had a nervous stomach.  But one day, my best friend came into the bathroom while I was getting sick and asked me why I was doing this to myself.  I said something to the effect that I couldn't help it.  But with her persistence I finally told her it was the only way that life felt better for me.  All of my stress and anxiety over not doing well enough in my studies, disappointing my professor and realizing that my college experience was ending soon - it all felt better when I dumped those feelings into the toilet.  Somehow.  Twisted logic, I know.

So, exercising and purging became my medicine.  It cured my anxiety and my stress. I got thin - probably the thinnest I had been since junior high.  I felt great, in control and ready to finish college strong.  Joel and I started dating during this time and I struggled hiding what was going on.  Soon he found me hunched over the toilet and asked me what I was doing.  I told him the same lie that I told my friend and I think he bought it for a while.

I felt empty and ashamed.  I knew what damage I was doing to myself.  It was reckless and unhealthy.  I knew who God made me to be and I knew what I was doing couldn't fit into that plan.  Not only what I hurting my body, I was hurting my relationship with God - because as long as I took "control", God couldn't have the place in my life that He deserved.

"For your formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works;

my souls knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, everyone one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there were none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

I awake, and I am still with you."
 - Psalm 139:13-18

 
God made me perfect.  Nothing I could do could ever add to that.   He wanted to be Lord of my life and for years, I had taken that role upon myself.  I controlled everything and I could finally see the damage from my work.  My compulsive need to control food, purge and exercise to beat myself up had made me worn and tired.   Perfection is hard to maintain and the mask it requires you to wear is burdensome.
 
So, over a period of time, I stopped wearing that mask.  I realized that those who were supposed to love me the best would love me even when I wasn't perfect.  I needed to love me even though I wasn't perfect, too.  And most importantly, I had to remember that God never expected perfection from me.
 

"But he said to me,

'My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness.'

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses,

so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

- I Corinthians 12:9

 

I still struggle with control.  Ask my husband... he could go on and on about this one.  And I know I will probably always, in some way, be tempted to take my weight to the extreme with hopes that it will make me feel like I have it together.  But, see, I have these two precious girls in my life.  They will someday notice how I talk about food, my weight and exercise.  Those two little girls will either see their momma talk about those things and treat them in a healthy way or in a destructive way.  I hope Grace and Autumn never go down the path of self destruction like I did.  I hope they learn, at an early age, that God made them perfect.  It's my job as their mother to help them understand that truth and it's a job I take very seriously.  Those two little girls are my accountability - and I'm so thankful for that.



Wednesday Weigh-In

Hooray for another pound lost!  I have 6 more to go to make my 25 pound goal.

I have only worked out a few times this week, so the pound is kind of a surprise to me.  My goal this week is to get out at least 3 times with the girls for walks and get on the elliptical at least twice.  Indiana's getting chillier, so I know it's going to be nearly impossible to get out with the girls soon for walks.  I need to take advantage of every day that the weather is nice and get out!

Today is Joel's day off, so I'm excited to get a call from him tonight.  I've been pretty emotional the last few days - missing him at random times throughout the day.  Yesterday was particularly hard on me, but I am blessed with my two girls who don't mind getting lots of extra hugs and kisses when their momma needs an extra helping of affection.  I think I've been putting on a brave face the last few weeks and it's finally caught-up to me.  Hopefully hearing Joel's voice tonight will make all of it a bit better.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

Wednesday Weigh-In

I lost 2 pounds this week! 

So, I've lost 18 since this deployment started and I have 7 more to meet my 2nd weight-loss goal of 25 pounds.  I feel really good about this week - I ate well, and tried to sneak-in workouts around taking care of my girls.  I don't know how it is for you, but I find it difficult to schedule 20-30 minutes for myself to workout when I have the girls to take care of.  So, I started working out randomly throughout the day.  I'll do squats while I'm waiting for dinner to finish on the stove, push-ups during commercials on TV and ab/back exercises while I'm holding the baby on the floor.  Oh, and I count an hour walk at the mall as exercise!

I saw my doctor yesterday for something non-weight related, but asked her what she felt my ideal weight would be.  So, we looked at the BMI chart together and talked some about it and she told me what she thought my healthiest weight would be.  Right now, I'm 4 pounds from that.  She told me to keep nursing, and it'll just fall off.  She's right, it's hard to give up nursing when you know 1) how healthy it is for your baby and 2) that you're burning approximately 500 calories a day doing it without much effort.  So, yes, nursing is part of my weight-loss strategy.  I'm not too proud to admit that.

Thanks so much for your encouragement in all of this.  It helps to know how many of you are cheering me on and how many of you look forward to my weekly weight updates.

Wednesday Weigh-In

So, Wednesday's the day that I get up and hop on the scale to see how my good eating and workouts are paying off.  My goal is to lose 15 pounds during Joel's deployment.  As of this morning, I have lost 3.  I'm pretty happy with that number.

I don't know how other military wives are when their spouse is away, but I always eat so much better when Joel's gone.  (No offense, Honey.)  I don't keep the junk food around that I do when he's home, and meals are a lot simpler, not as fatty, and well not nearly as tasty.  With just Grace and I to cook for right now, I don't feel like I have to make a big 'ol dinner with all the fixings.  And without the bread and desert, we're eating much healthier.

But I do get cravings.  Usually around 9:00, when the kids are in bed, I really, really, really want a bowl of ice cream or a bowl of Oreos with milk.  But without them in the house, I have no choice but to reach of the banana or string cheese.  I usually sit down at the computer, with my healthy snack of choice and read a couple food blogs, and just pretend I'm eating all that beautiful, glorious food. 

Note:  I know the title's alliteration will drive some of my friends crazy, but I had to do it.  It was too easy.