I knew the end was coming soon to our time in Iraq, but as I was reading the news this morning, it shocked me to know that our troops were done with our mission there. I don't know about you, but I've had mixed emotions today about it - happy to be out, anxious of what may happen in the future and hopeful that they sacrifices made there will be known and remembered.
I never served there. I never touched the soil or looked into a face of an Iraqi. But Joel did. And because of him, I feel somewhat invested in Iraq.
I hope that as our troops come home, that we would remember their sacrifice to a country that is not theirs and that we would continue to be prayerful for the people of Iraq.
Well done, USA. And welcome home.
Showing posts with label Iraq. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Iraq. Show all posts
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Home from War - Part II
Read Part I here...
Just a few months after Joel came back from Iraq, we were in the midst of a terrible game of tug of war. We were completely out of sync with one another and our marriage was at its lowest point. I felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own home because his mood was so unpredictable. There were some rare moments when Joel was really engaged with Grace and I, but for the most part he was either completely withdrawn or angry. The war had completely changed him.
When I tried to talk to him about how he was doing emotionally and spiritually, he became very guarded. I'm sure he was trying, in his mind, to sort through his feelings and was having a hard time communicating them to me. Most likely, he just wasn't ready to communicate those things with me but I kept pushing him which just made him more withdrawn.
Our marriage was falling apart. We were disconnected, angry at one another, communicating poorly and intimacy wasn't even an option for me, because I didn't feel love, appreciated or respected. Funny thing, because I'm positive Joel was also not feeling loved, appreciated or respect, but it was because there was no intimacy. Like I said, we were totally out of sync.
It was around Christmastime, four months after Joel's homecoming, that I was feeling absolutely hopeless. Joel and I weren't making any progress, and if anything, I thought that our marriage was just getting worse. We were in bad shape and I didn't see any improvement in Joel. I was tired, exhausted really. No one around us knew the struggles that we were dealing with in our relationship, and I was so wiped out from not only having to deal with a marriage that was falling apart, but trying to keep it a secret.
It was around that time that the D Word entered my mind. I didn't see any hope for us at that point, and I was tired of trying to hold it together. I remember sitting with a close friend of mine over lunch and telling her, through my tears, that I wanted out and that divorce had become an option for me. What I appreciated most, was her loving silence. She didn't have any words of advice for me. She knew she couldn't relate. But she offered her love and prayers for both Joel and I. Finally, someone knew our struggle, our hurt and my desperation.
I really struggled with the idea of divorce. Joel wasn't unfaithful. He never hurt me physically. He always provided for our needs. And I knew that he loved me even if he didn't always communicate it and show it well. And I knew in my head, even though I didn't always feel it in my heart... I still loved him. I loved him so much that it hurt my soul to know how hurt he was. But I didn't think love would be able to repair, what I thought, was a hopelessly broken marriage.
I knew part of him was broken and I felt angry toward the military for using him up and just tossing him back home. I've mentioned before how messed-up the system is.... I was advised just a few weeks before Joel came home that if our soldier needed help, the best bet would be for them to find a counselor/psychologist that would accept cash payment. Any sort of paper trail would just hurt their career and reputation. It was because of the broken system that I knew Joel's best bet to getting better was for me to help.
He needed me. I vowed to him and God that I would stand by him for better or worse. I promised him on our wedding day that I would love him tenderly. I knew I had failed him in that regard. I loved him but I was trying to push him to get better - to deal with transition from war to home life. I wasn't always patient, kind or gentle. So, there it was -he needed me. And in order for me to help him, I needed to start with the basics and learn to love him better. I needed to keep my vow to stand by him and to be tender with him. He needed tenderness.
I remember going back and rereading I Corinthians 13, where Paul lists the attributes of love. I knew I was far from loving Joel the way that God wanted me to...
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends" - I Corinthians 13:4-8
Who Joel was at that time was not the same man I married. Time had changed him. War had changed him. Those were two things that Joel could not control. It's just how it was and it was no one's fault. He needed me to help him. He needed me to stand by him and love him better, purer, deeper and truer than I had loved him before. He had done the hard work for 6 months, now it was my turn to do the hard work and work to heal his wounds. Divorce was not an option. It would not have healed any wounds.
So, I stood by him. I decided, in my heart and before God, to love Joel. He was broken, but I knew God would give me strength and wisdom and I prayed that God would give my husband those things as well. The road to reconciliation had to start with someone, and it started with me.
The road back to a healthy marriage was difficult. It took a lot of hard conversations - but it started with the hardest. I told Joel that I would do what it took to make our marriage work and put it back on track. But I needed him to know how desperate I had become and that the idea of divorce had been on my mind for a while. He was totally shocked that I was hurting that badly. But we decided at that moment to do that hard task to work on ourselves and to love each other better.
We made a decision that night to recommit ourselves to make our marriage work. I think a lot of people experience something similar in their relationships - whether it be a spouse, a parent, a child or a friend. Sometimes you just have to choose that no matter what it takes, you're going to make it work. The work is often hard and long, but both of you are committed.
Our reconciliation wasn't quick or easy. It took many months of rebuilding a strong foundation built on trust, love, commitment and God. We knew that in order to be the best for one another, we needed to start with a right relationship with God first. For us, we knew from past experience, that when the God-relationship was broken, our marriage and family would be broken, too.
I thought for a time that Iraq had shattered our marriage. For a time, Iraq had broken my husband. No one can come out of a war experience the same. And it's true, Iraq did drastically change our marriage. But now, looking back three years later, I know that Iraq ultimately changed our marriage for the better.
Just a few months after Joel came back from Iraq, we were in the midst of a terrible game of tug of war. We were completely out of sync with one another and our marriage was at its lowest point. I felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own home because his mood was so unpredictable. There were some rare moments when Joel was really engaged with Grace and I, but for the most part he was either completely withdrawn or angry. The war had completely changed him.
When I tried to talk to him about how he was doing emotionally and spiritually, he became very guarded. I'm sure he was trying, in his mind, to sort through his feelings and was having a hard time communicating them to me. Most likely, he just wasn't ready to communicate those things with me but I kept pushing him which just made him more withdrawn.
Our marriage was falling apart. We were disconnected, angry at one another, communicating poorly and intimacy wasn't even an option for me, because I didn't feel love, appreciated or respected. Funny thing, because I'm positive Joel was also not feeling loved, appreciated or respect, but it was because there was no intimacy. Like I said, we were totally out of sync.
It was around Christmastime, four months after Joel's homecoming, that I was feeling absolutely hopeless. Joel and I weren't making any progress, and if anything, I thought that our marriage was just getting worse. We were in bad shape and I didn't see any improvement in Joel. I was tired, exhausted really. No one around us knew the struggles that we were dealing with in our relationship, and I was so wiped out from not only having to deal with a marriage that was falling apart, but trying to keep it a secret.
It was around that time that the D Word entered my mind. I didn't see any hope for us at that point, and I was tired of trying to hold it together. I remember sitting with a close friend of mine over lunch and telling her, through my tears, that I wanted out and that divorce had become an option for me. What I appreciated most, was her loving silence. She didn't have any words of advice for me. She knew she couldn't relate. But she offered her love and prayers for both Joel and I. Finally, someone knew our struggle, our hurt and my desperation.
I really struggled with the idea of divorce. Joel wasn't unfaithful. He never hurt me physically. He always provided for our needs. And I knew that he loved me even if he didn't always communicate it and show it well. And I knew in my head, even though I didn't always feel it in my heart... I still loved him. I loved him so much that it hurt my soul to know how hurt he was. But I didn't think love would be able to repair, what I thought, was a hopelessly broken marriage.
I knew part of him was broken and I felt angry toward the military for using him up and just tossing him back home. I've mentioned before how messed-up the system is.... I was advised just a few weeks before Joel came home that if our soldier needed help, the best bet would be for them to find a counselor/psychologist that would accept cash payment. Any sort of paper trail would just hurt their career and reputation. It was because of the broken system that I knew Joel's best bet to getting better was for me to help.
He needed me. I vowed to him and God that I would stand by him for better or worse. I promised him on our wedding day that I would love him tenderly. I knew I had failed him in that regard. I loved him but I was trying to push him to get better - to deal with transition from war to home life. I wasn't always patient, kind or gentle. So, there it was -he needed me. And in order for me to help him, I needed to start with the basics and learn to love him better. I needed to keep my vow to stand by him and to be tender with him. He needed tenderness.
I remember going back and rereading I Corinthians 13, where Paul lists the attributes of love. I knew I was far from loving Joel the way that God wanted me to...
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends" - I Corinthians 13:4-8
Who Joel was at that time was not the same man I married. Time had changed him. War had changed him. Those were two things that Joel could not control. It's just how it was and it was no one's fault. He needed me to help him. He needed me to stand by him and love him better, purer, deeper and truer than I had loved him before. He had done the hard work for 6 months, now it was my turn to do the hard work and work to heal his wounds. Divorce was not an option. It would not have healed any wounds.
So, I stood by him. I decided, in my heart and before God, to love Joel. He was broken, but I knew God would give me strength and wisdom and I prayed that God would give my husband those things as well. The road to reconciliation had to start with someone, and it started with me.
The road back to a healthy marriage was difficult. It took a lot of hard conversations - but it started with the hardest. I told Joel that I would do what it took to make our marriage work and put it back on track. But I needed him to know how desperate I had become and that the idea of divorce had been on my mind for a while. He was totally shocked that I was hurting that badly. But we decided at that moment to do that hard task to work on ourselves and to love each other better.
We made a decision that night to recommit ourselves to make our marriage work. I think a lot of people experience something similar in their relationships - whether it be a spouse, a parent, a child or a friend. Sometimes you just have to choose that no matter what it takes, you're going to make it work. The work is often hard and long, but both of you are committed.
Our reconciliation wasn't quick or easy. It took many months of rebuilding a strong foundation built on trust, love, commitment and God. We knew that in order to be the best for one another, we needed to start with a right relationship with God first. For us, we knew from past experience, that when the God-relationship was broken, our marriage and family would be broken, too.
I thought for a time that Iraq had shattered our marriage. For a time, Iraq had broken my husband. No one can come out of a war experience the same. And it's true, Iraq did drastically change our marriage. But now, looking back three years later, I know that Iraq ultimately changed our marriage for the better.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Home from War - Part I
This post will probably make more sense if you've read the other posts I've written about marriage. Here they are:
State of Our Union, The Very Beginning, Pre-Kids and Homecoming Driven.
Let me first start out by saying that this particular post has been very difficult to write. I have put a lot of thought into what I wanted to share publicly. Above all, I want these posts about our marriage to hopefully encourage you and help those who have either gone through a wartime deployment, or may go through one in the future... So, here it is.
After six months of deployment, Joel came home from Iraq in August 2007. The day that I waited anxiously for finally came. It was time. I remember sitting in the airport with Grace on my lap, and just thinking about all the time I spent over the past 6 months just yearning for this moment. And it was finally here.
Joel walked through the doors of the terminal with his arms wide open. That moment was a blur. I just wanted to hold on to him. I wanted to study Grace's reaction toward him. I wanted the television cameras to go away so we could just be. Above all, I just wanted to hold on to him, to get his bags in the car and to go home and leave the deployment behind us.
It was on the ride home that I realized that things were different. As I was sitting next to him in the car and holding his hand, I felt disconnected. It's hard to describe, but I felt like a stranger was coming home with me. Six months changes a person. Six months as a single mom and having to make all the decisions changes you. And certainly six months in a war zone changes you. I knew there would be an adjustment but I was not prepared to feel so disconnected from him immediately.
We had a welcome home party, looked at his Iraq pictures and unpacked his bags. As far as I was concerned, the Iraq-saga was over. But slowly during the first few weeks back home, Joel started sharing about his experiences and I quickly discovered that Iraq came home with him.
I knew Joel would be different. I knew war would change him. I knew that he would see things, experience things and do things that would leave an imprint. But I wasn't prepared for him to be so different. The Joel I knew was patient. Iraq made him angry. The Joel I knew was sensitive toward me. Iraq made him rude. The Joel I knew was tender toward Grace. Iraq made him quick-tempered. The Joel I knew was consistent. Iraq made him moody.
The man I loved was different. Iraq changed him. And I didn't love what Iraq did to him. I struggled to love the man that he had become. And that's what our marriage became - a struggle. It was like Joel and I were on opposite ends of a rope playing a terrible game of tug of war. He was pulling me in - wanting me to understand who he had become. And I was pulling him toward me - wanting him to become who he once was.
Part II coming soon...
State of Our Union, The Very Beginning, Pre-Kids and Homecoming Driven.
Let me first start out by saying that this particular post has been very difficult to write. I have put a lot of thought into what I wanted to share publicly. Above all, I want these posts about our marriage to hopefully encourage you and help those who have either gone through a wartime deployment, or may go through one in the future... So, here it is.
After six months of deployment, Joel came home from Iraq in August 2007. The day that I waited anxiously for finally came. It was time. I remember sitting in the airport with Grace on my lap, and just thinking about all the time I spent over the past 6 months just yearning for this moment. And it was finally here.
Joel walked through the doors of the terminal with his arms wide open. That moment was a blur. I just wanted to hold on to him. I wanted to study Grace's reaction toward him. I wanted the television cameras to go away so we could just be. Above all, I just wanted to hold on to him, to get his bags in the car and to go home and leave the deployment behind us.
It was on the ride home that I realized that things were different. As I was sitting next to him in the car and holding his hand, I felt disconnected. It's hard to describe, but I felt like a stranger was coming home with me. Six months changes a person. Six months as a single mom and having to make all the decisions changes you. And certainly six months in a war zone changes you. I knew there would be an adjustment but I was not prepared to feel so disconnected from him immediately.
We had a welcome home party, looked at his Iraq pictures and unpacked his bags. As far as I was concerned, the Iraq-saga was over. But slowly during the first few weeks back home, Joel started sharing about his experiences and I quickly discovered that Iraq came home with him.
I knew Joel would be different. I knew war would change him. I knew that he would see things, experience things and do things that would leave an imprint. But I wasn't prepared for him to be so different. The Joel I knew was patient. Iraq made him angry. The Joel I knew was sensitive toward me. Iraq made him rude. The Joel I knew was tender toward Grace. Iraq made him quick-tempered. The Joel I knew was consistent. Iraq made him moody.
The man I loved was different. Iraq changed him. And I didn't love what Iraq did to him. I struggled to love the man that he had become. And that's what our marriage became - a struggle. It was like Joel and I were on opposite ends of a rope playing a terrible game of tug of war. He was pulling me in - wanting me to understand who he had become. And I was pulling him toward me - wanting him to become who he once was.
Part II coming soon...
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The Right Words
There are times in life when you have to share something really big with someone you love. And often times, there's not a particularly right thing to say in response. Over the years, Joel's had to take on the difficult task of sharing with loved ones about his upcoming deployments. Sometimes there's just silence, sometimes a word of encouragement, and often times the question of why he has to go back.
Joel and I have both experienced responses that make us uncomfortable and even angry. Going overseas is a hard task, one that we've both signed up for in many ways. But it's even more difficult when you know people at home who should be standing next to you in it, criticizing it. When Joel got back from Iraq, someone who I have known for my entire life and have so much respect for, said that they didn't understand how Joel could leave his wife and child and go overseas for so long. They thought what he was doing was wrong. I was so surprised, so angry and so hurt that I just left in the middle of the conversation. I had no words.
There are those who decide that after just telling them about his upcoming or current deployment that it would be a great time to tell me, his wife, how wrong the war is and what a waste of lives of those who've been lost. Really? This is the best time to get into a political debate? My husband's in the middle of a war zone, and you're going to choose now to tell me how wrong the reason behind the fight is or why those who have given their life for it have died in vain? I call them heroes, not mistakes.
And then there's the inevitable "Will he have to go back?".... usually right after he gets back. Well, he's not retiring, so probably, yes. Do people think that a soldier who's deployed only has to tally up so many overseas deployments before the government is like, eh, you've had your share?! I know we're still fighting in two wars, but we'll just find someone else?! Come on.
The truth is, there isn't a perfect response. I guess the old rule of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" is still a good one. The best responses are a warm hug (or a firm handshake in Joel's case), a "we're praying for you" and "we stand behind you in this".
But the best response yet, was a card Joel got in the mail from one of our Sunday School kids. Here are a few lines:
"Dear Mr. ______,
Thank you. Thank you for going to protect our country and even to protect a people who are not your own. And thank you for inspiring the generation coming behind you, to stand for your country, to protect your loved ones, and to trust that God will be with you. Please be safe... You are in my prayers..."
I can guarantee you that card is going to the Middle East with him. And I'm sure it'll be those words that stick, and not all the negative ones he's heard along the way.
Joel and I have both experienced responses that make us uncomfortable and even angry. Going overseas is a hard task, one that we've both signed up for in many ways. But it's even more difficult when you know people at home who should be standing next to you in it, criticizing it. When Joel got back from Iraq, someone who I have known for my entire life and have so much respect for, said that they didn't understand how Joel could leave his wife and child and go overseas for so long. They thought what he was doing was wrong. I was so surprised, so angry and so hurt that I just left in the middle of the conversation. I had no words.
There are those who decide that after just telling them about his upcoming or current deployment that it would be a great time to tell me, his wife, how wrong the war is and what a waste of lives of those who've been lost. Really? This is the best time to get into a political debate? My husband's in the middle of a war zone, and you're going to choose now to tell me how wrong the reason behind the fight is or why those who have given their life for it have died in vain? I call them heroes, not mistakes.
And then there's the inevitable "Will he have to go back?".... usually right after he gets back. Well, he's not retiring, so probably, yes. Do people think that a soldier who's deployed only has to tally up so many overseas deployments before the government is like, eh, you've had your share?! I know we're still fighting in two wars, but we'll just find someone else?! Come on.
The truth is, there isn't a perfect response. I guess the old rule of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" is still a good one. The best responses are a warm hug (or a firm handshake in Joel's case), a "we're praying for you" and "we stand behind you in this".
But the best response yet, was a card Joel got in the mail from one of our Sunday School kids. Here are a few lines:
"Dear Mr. ______,
Thank you. Thank you for going to protect our country and even to protect a people who are not your own. And thank you for inspiring the generation coming behind you, to stand for your country, to protect your loved ones, and to trust that God will be with you. Please be safe... You are in my prayers..."
I can guarantee you that card is going to the Middle East with him. And I'm sure it'll be those words that stick, and not all the negative ones he's heard along the way.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Joel: An Introduction
I thought over the next few posts, I would introduce our family to you. Let's start with the troop who started this all, Joel. 
I'll probably post later on the story of how Joel and I met. But for today, I'll give you a glimpse of the guy I call "Joelers". He hates that name, by the way.
Joel's an east coast man, all the way. He loves the outdoors and the simplicity of life that the northeast offers. It would be his dream someday, for us to abandon life in Indiana and move to the middle of nowhere in the mountains - to a place where we're surrounded by land and not by people. We're still negoitating this dream.
He's easily one of the smartest people I've met or know. He loves to read and is constantly in the middle of a few books at once. There's a stack of books and magazines always sitting on the floor next to his side of the bed. Joel remembers details easily and constantly reminds me of the details I leave out when telling a story or relaying information I read.
He loves his girls dearly. I didn't know how Joel would do with a daughter, let alone two, but those two girls are his life. He has a great balance of being extremely gentle but firm in his parenting. I've known very few men who work as hard as he does to make sure his girls are taken care of. And even when he works two jobs in the same day, he finds time to sit on the floor with our oldest and play Lego or color in a picture.
Joel is an amazing husband. He's hands-down the better spouse in our marriage - incredibly selfless, gentle, loving and patient. He adjusted to marriage immediately and was so patient with me as I took a few months to let-go of my singleness and become a partner with him. He knows me better than I know myself often times, and constantly encourages me so that I can be a better mother, wife and friend.
He has a hunger to know God better. Joel was not a Christian when we first met. I'll get into his testimony at another time. But right from the start of his faith, he wanted to know more. We teach our church's Junior High Sunday School class, and his love for the students is really amazing to watch - he wants for them to know Him better and strives to be the best example he can to the kids.
And of course, Joel loves our country. He has given up so much so that he can dedicate his life to the military. He's absolutely passionate about what he does and who he serves with. He's about to go on his fourth deployment - this time to the Middle East. Just days after 9/11, he was called up and later deployed to Diego Garcia. In 2007, he served in Kirkuk, Iraq and in 2009 went to England for a 3-month tour in support of the war.
He is my warrior, my husband, my partner and my best friend. I am absolutely blessed to have a man in my life who lives with such conviction. And it is my honor to stand beside him and support him as he goes away to do what I know God created him to do.
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