7-Day Cleanse: My Thoughts and Results

Last week, I started a seven day cleanse.  Some of you may have followed along with my results on Facebook... I've received a lot of questions about my experience and thought it may be useful to put them in a post for you.

First off, I've been asked why I decided to do this?  Well, Grace started school last week so I'm trying to get back into the routine of getting to the gym regularly.  I thought the cleanse would be a good jump-start to working out 4-5 times a week.

Here's the guide that I used for last week - What do you think of the GM diet?   The link has the food schedule for Sunday - Saturday with a recipe for a special soup and then some other guidelines and things to consider.

So, onto my daily diet:
Sunday - all fruits except bananas
I loved the first day!  I ate a ton of melon, some grapes and two fruit smoothies - I love the Naked smoothies.  This day I drank over 90 ounces of water.
By the end of day one I was down exactly 3 pounds.

Monday - all vegetables
This was a hard day for me.  I started out with the recommended baked potato for breakfast - I put a tiny bit of butter and salt and pepper on top.  For lunch I grilled a mix of onions, garlic, mushrooms and tomatoes - a batch I ate throughout the day.  By about 4:00 I was extremely weak.  So I went out and got the ingredients for spaghetti squash marinara and felt much better after dinner.  I drank about 80 ounces of water and 2 cups of black coffee.

Tuesday - all fruits and vegetables
I had 2 more of the Naked fruit smoothies, and the leftovers of the spaghetti squash marinara and the grilled vegetables.  I drank about 80 ounces of water and 2 cups of black coffee.

Wednesday - bananas and milk
I started the day with 2 cups of coffee with a splash of 1% milk.  During the day I drank 3 glasses of 1% milk and ate about 4 large bananas.  I drank about 80 ounces of water and had 2 cups of black coffee.  Surprisingly I felt full and satisfied and noticed my cravings for salt and sweets start to fade.

Thursday - feast day - beef, tomatoes and lots of water
They call this feast day.  I think I would give it a different name!  By day four, I was ready for some protein, although I could not eat the amount of beef they recommended.  I made three hamburger patties made from ground sirloin, a little salt and pepper and some sun-dried tomatoes.  I ate 2 bowls of vegetable soup.  I had about 3 tomatoes with some onion salt on them and drank over 90 ounces of water.  I also had a glass of unsweetened iced green tea.

Friday - beef and vegetables
Again, not my favorite day.  Although I felt full, I remember wanting fruit on day 5.  On day 6 I sauteed some beef tips with salt and pepper and a tad of oil.  As for vegetables, I ate some more tomatoes, corn and green beans and also had a bowl of vegetable soup.  I drank over 90 ounces of water and had 1 cup of black coffee.

Saturday - brown rice, fruit juices and vegetables
I was excited about the last day!  On day 7 I made a batch of brown rice and had peas, carrots, mushroom, green beans and tomatoes.  I also had one Naked fruit smoothie.  I drank about 80 ounces of water and had 2 cups of black coffee.  That night, I slipped and had a McDonald's cheeseburger for dinner.

By Sunday morning, day 8, I was down a total of 8.6 pounds!

Some things I've noticed this week is that my cravings for sweets has really gone down.  I'm also drinking a whole lot more water than normal - trying to maintain about 80 ounces a day.  I may consider doing the cleanse again, but most likely will choose a few days a month to just eat fruits and vegetables.

On the link above, it gives a recipe for "special soup".  Nothing about it sounded good to me and I heard that it tasted horrible.  So my special soup consisted of vegetable broth, onions, carrots and tomatoes.  I put in some salt and pepper and a few bay leaves and let it come together for about 45 minutes.

Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 8

Happy Wednesday everyone!  Hope you are all enjoying the first few days of 2012... and keeping to your resolutions.  Personally, I don't keep resolutions.  But I guess my resolution to lose weight that I started 8 weeks ago will carry me through 2012.  So, that's my resolution - to keep on.

I've completed 8 weeks of pretty faithful workouts and decent eating habits.  I heard on the news this week, that people usually drop-off their workout-kick at about 3 months.  I can see how that would happen, especially if they are like me, and faithfully working out without really much weight loss to show for it.  This week is much of the same - no change from last week.  It still seems like my goal is far-off.  But I'm going to remain faithful with getting to the gym and try better this week to stay on a better eating routine.

New Years killed me food-wise.  Once the girls were in bed, I decided each night to treat myself with a plate full of nachos while I watched Bridezillas.  A great mix!  This week, I'm going to cut-off snacking by 8 pm and will limit snacks during the day to fruit, instead of my normal handful of Nilla Wafers or something equally as nutritious.  I'm also going to try to get the gym 5 times this week.

Onto my workouts for week 8:

Friday -

45 minutes of cardio including the elliptical machine and stationary bike

Monday -

50 minutes of cardio including the elliptical machine and stationary bike

Tuesday -

70 minutes of cardio including the elliptical machine and stationary bike



Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 7

I've been sick.  And sick equals zero motivation to get to the gym.  I tried, several times this week, to get up before every one else in the house and get to the gym, but every time my alarm went off, I was beyond-exhausted and opted to stay in bed.  But I did make it today - my first day in a week working out - and I thought I was going to die every time I saw another minute tick off on the gym equipment.

Since I wasn't getting to the gym, I did try to keep track of what I was eating each day and balance things out with all the sweets that were around.  So, with somewhat balanced eating and one workout this past week, I lost 1.2 pounds.  And considering my record the last few weeks, I'm happy to take the 1.2 pounds!

My one measly workout this week:

Wednesday -

45 minutes of cardio, including the elliptical trainer and stationary bike

Wednesday Weigh-In: Weeks 5 & 6

Yes.  I know.  It's been two weeks since my last weigh-in post.  For good reason, too.  See, I gained 2 pounds last week and was in no mood at the time to share it with you all.  I needed some quiet time to reflect and mourn.

I've been a pretty good girl - still going to the gym regularly, and up until last week, I was keeping a food journal.  I stopped the food journal because I feel I have a much better idea of what the calorie value of foods that I eat regularly are and that my food journal was keeping me way too focused on food... to the point of thinking about not a whole lot except for food.

The very, very bad news is that I am up 2.2 pounds in the last two weeks.  I'm super disappointed, frustrated and mad - but I'm not giving up on what I believe is a healthy, steady way to lose weight.  Although I'm gaining weight.  So perhaps I have no idea what I'm talking about.

One things that I'm considering may be the culprit is my thyroid.  Nine years ago, I had half of my thyroid removed because of a golf-size nodule that was getting large and at a fast rate.  I get my thyroid levels tested regularly and have always had perfectly good levels - even through two pregnancies.  I'm due for another blood test next month, so we'll see if my thyroid may have anything to do with my current situation.

Enough of that.... on to my workouts..

Week 5:

Friday -

60 minutes of cardio including the Elliptical, Arc Trainer and the Stationary Bike

Monday -

60 minutes of cardio including the treadmill, Arc Trainer and the Stationary Bike

This past week:

Friday -

60 minutes of cardio including the Elliptical, Arc Trainer and the Stationary Bike

Saturday -

60 minutes of cardio including the Elliptical, Stair-Master and the Stationary Bike

Monday -

50 minutes of cardio including the Elliptical and Arc Trainer

Wednesday -

40 minutes of cardio including the Arc Trainer and Elliptical

10 Things to Smile About: November

1.  My newest niece, Paige!

2.  Watching Gracie as The Little Red Hen in the Kindergarten musical.  She did awesome!

3.  Catching Autumn reading my US Weekly.  Yeah, we're both intellectuals.

4.  Starbuck's Carmel Brulle Lattes.

5.  Lots of great time at the gym with one of my dearest friends.

6.  Nearing completion of my Christmas shopping.

7.  Friend dates.  Karla and I had dinner out at one of our favorite restaurants and then cheered Bella and Edward

on at their wedding.  It was a perfect night.

8.  Eggnog season is here!

9.  Thanksgiving dinner.  It was awesome.

10.  Getting our first real Christmas tree.  Grace helped Joel bring it home for us & Joel's thrilled to finally have a real one this year!

10 Things to Smile About

I've been wanting to join Emmy Mom, in doing her monthly blog post "Ten Things to Smile About".  I love reading hers each month and I thought it was finally time to join in and share with you what things I've loved from September.

1.  Kids who keep learning & growing -

and one who recently discovered how to use our copy machine.  Oh, Autumn...

2.  Starbucks coffee.  I love when the new coffees come out in the fall and winter -

right now I'm loving the Salted Carmel Mocha.

3.  Happy kids in cars.

4.  Pinterest  I received an invite a few weeks ago and am hooked.  Do you Pinterest?

5.  The start toward financial freedom!

6.  Joel's Birthday.  Not only was he in-country this year, but I pulled off

a surprise party for him.

7.  Along with a birthday comes cake.  I love cake and

I'm thrilled that Joel's as crazy about chocolate cake as I am.

8.  Cooler temps.  I adore fall - especially those perfectly crisp days.

9.  For those of you have been with me for a while, you know I'm a major beauty junkie. 

Yesterday I picked up a new Chanel foundation that I'm loving. 

And since I returned some product I wasn't loving, I didn't pay a cent for it. 

10.  Happy kids!

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

This week, Wife of a Sailor has us doing "or's".... so here is mine.

1.Facebook or Twitter?
Facebook.  Every once in a while, I'll check on someone's Twitter, tweets, whatever they're called; but I feel like I get more out of what people have to say on Facebook.  And I'm totally addicted to Facebook!  Any one else ready to admit it with me?

2.Hard Tacos or Soft Tacos?
Soft Tacos.  Hard tacos are messy. Once you take a bite, you instantly have parts of the shell as well as the filling on you.  I like that soft tacos neatly pack away all the goodness!

3.Gardening or crafting?
Gardening.  I often say to my crafty friends that I like to buy crafts, not make them.  I'm not artistic and I'm not handy, oh, and I hate messes.  So crafts just aren't my thing.  But I really appreciate those who are crafty, because I can use them when I need them.

4.Fruit or vegetables?
Honestly, I love both.  But I eat a lot more fruits than veggies.  I love the summer, especially when the raspberries are ripe.

5.Motorcycle or bicycle?
Bicycle.  Simply because they're safer.  I rode on a motorcycle with someone in college - and honestly they were probably the safest rider out there, but I was still not comfortable.  About 8 years ago, I so a motorcyclist hit a curb and fly off his bike onto the sidewalk.  I'll never forget it.  And my girls are never going to ride.  Ever.  Sorry Grace (she wants one).

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

Thanks, Wife of a Sailor!

1.If you could have a private concert with any singer, who would it be? submitted by An Air Force Wife’s Blog
Oh.  My.  Gosh.  Seriously?  That would be a dream.  Now, you're either going to laugh at me or be in complete agreement.  Hands-down, Josh Groban.  I love his music!  Joel and I went to a concert (really, Joel took me there and sat next to me) in 2005 and it was amazing.  He's a rare artist - one of the few who actually write their own music, can sing as well as they record and can play instruments - well.  He's referred to as "my boyfriend" at home.


2.Is there anything you do to supplement your family’s income? submitted by Our Life, One Adventure at a Time
No.  I choose to blog for myself and not for profit.  If anything, I try to take advantage of any coupons I can use - they're free money!

3.During your pregnancy (whether past, present, or future), what did you nickname your unborn baby before you knew the sex? submitted by Explosions of Love
Joel nicknamed Grace "bubbers" and we still call her that.  I think we called Autumn "The Baby".  Original.  I know.  One thing we didn't call either child was - it.  I hate that.  If anyone ever called the girls "it" while I was pregnant, they were corrected.

4.Have you ever won a blog giveaway? If so what did you win? submitted by Mrs. O’s Life
I haven't.  I haven't been great about submitting for a lot of them.

5.If I looked into your refrigerator right now, what would I find? submitted by Married to the Army
This is one of my favorite questions ever!  I used to get Rachael Ray's magazine and loved the last page that had a photograph of a celebrity's refrigerator - it's so telling.
Milk, cheese, juice (lots of juice), strawberries, grapes, condiments, mars capon cheese, whipping cream, Diet Coke, hot dogs, tortellini, Lunchables, yogurt, ricotta cheese, Cabernet sauvignon, Jello-O, pudding, homemade strawberry jam, buttermilk, wheat germ, coffee

Homemade Strawberry Jam

Our family loves strawberry jam.  We go through tons of it - between Joel and his English muffins and the rest of us and our sunflower butter sandwiches.  Joel doesn't like us to eat a lot of high fructose corn syrup, so I end up spending a lot of money of jam that is simply fruit and sugar.  It's about $4 for a small jar.... for just fruit and sugar!

My friend Karla over at The Culinary Enthusiast, recently posted a recipe for strawberry freezer jam that I knew I had to try.  Her and I have canned jam before and the process was just too much for me.  Last week, I had a bunch of beautiful strawberries and gave strawberry jam another try - and it was so worth it!

Here is what I did:

4 lbs of clean strawberries

I used a huller clean up the berries

4 pounds of hulled and halved strawberries

Instead of mashing 4 lbs by hand, Karla recommended using the food processor.

I pulsed the berries until I got the texture I wanted.

Here are the pulsed berries

4 cups of sugar & 12 Tbsp of no-cook pectin

I combined the sugar/pectin mixture for 3 minutes & then filled-up my freezer jars. 

The jars sat out on the counter for about 30 minutes before I put them in the freezer.

4 lbs of berries made approximately 15 cup of jam.

I used freezer containers that I purchased from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

This recipe is really, really easy!!!  I couldn't believe how simple it was and how quickly I was able to make 15 cups of jam.  I think in total, it took me less than 1 hour from the time I rinsed the berries to the point I was able to put everything in the freezer.  You'll have to try it.

To see Karla's recipe and much prettier pictures, head over here.

Wednesday Weigh-In

This morning was a little depressing.  I'm pretty sure I heard the scale laugh at me when I got on it this morning.  I haven't worked out at all since Joel got home and our kitchen is stocked with lots and lots of junk food - cookies, cake, ice cream, chips, dip, and more cookies.  And since Joel is still not back to his normal sleeping schedule, he's been getting up very early in the mornings and making us pancakes, coffee cake and muffins for breakfast.  A far cry from my bowl of Special K. 

I did grocery shopping on Monday and have a week of healthier meals planned.  Wish me luck!

Today I start back on regular exercise - the elliptical today and I'm going to go into respiratory distress tomorrow by running.  I haven't run since before I got pregnant with Autumn, so I'm sure to get reacquainted with my inhaler at some point soon.

Here's the cake from Joel's welcome home party -

half of which came home with us and was quickly devoured.



Support Project Love Day

One of my best friends, Karla, has a food blog called The Culinary Enthusiast.  Besides being a wonderful wife and momma of three awesome kids, she has a major love for food.  She's that friend who makes things from scratch and doesn't find it some sort of torture.  She loves to cook and bake and her kitchen is hands-down one of my favorite places to be.

During the months of January and February, Karla is donating all of the ad revenue she receives and will match it.  The money will go to support World Vision, which is working to end human trafficking. 

As you know, human trafficking is a hot topic - millions of women and children are sold into slavery and forced to do unspeakable things.  By simply visiting Karla at The Culinary Enthusiast and looking at some  yummy recipes, you can help to financially support an organization that is trying to end human trafficking.

You can read more about why she is choosing to do this now and what the money will go to, here.

Here are some of my favorite recipes that I've had the pleasure of eating, straight from Karla's kitchen:

Blueberry Scones
Cinnamon Rolls
Cranberry Orange White Chocolate Biscotti

Wednesday Weigh-In

After a week of good eating and lots of exercise, the scale stayed steady this morning.  No movement from last week.  What?  I fiddled with the scale to make sure it wasn't broken.... I brought in my hand weights to make sure it was accurate.  Grr.  But I guess staying steady is better than gaining weight.  So, I'll go with that.

Before I got on the scale this morning, Grace wanted to go on.  And then I went on.  What did her little voice say?  "Whoa!  Yours goes way up, Momma."  Um, yeah.  Thanks, kid.  Jerk.  Uh, I mean Sweetie.

School was cancelled today because the roads in the area are so bad.  So now I'm trying to figure out what to do to keep two kids occupied, happy and whine-free today.  I see lots of coloring, singing and Candy Land in my future.

Wednesday Weigh-In

I wish I had good news to share, but I don't.  I'm not even going to tell you what was on the scale this morning, because I'm in denial.  I will say this - all that talk last week about rededicating myself to good eating habits and regular workouts... Remember that?  Well, it didn't happen.  At all.

I pretty much ate to my heart's desire this week.  The forbidden foods were devoured.  I forgot how delicious a big pile of fried food is.  I forgot how much I loved eating ice cream at night after the girls went to bed.  I did all of my no-no's this week.

So, I'm hoping to regain some self-control.  Hopefully this will be a better week.  I'm not going to beat myself up over all my no-no's though...  It happened.  It's done.  And I'm moving on.

Wednesday Weigh-In

I was a wee-bit scared to hop on the scale this morning.  I didn't exercise at all while we were on vacation over Christmas and my eating routine was completely-off.  So, I didn't know what to expect.

Fortunately, with all the desserts, Starbucks runs (with whip), butter and fast food at the airport, I only gained one pound.  I have 3 more pounds to go to reach my goal... however, Joel's homecoming is approaching fast so I need to rededicate myself to healthy eating and schedule plenty of dates with the elliptical machine.

But first, I'm enjoying one last muffin for breakfast.... Wish me luck!

Wednesday Weigh-In

Happy Wednesday!

I lost one pound this week!  I was a pretty good-girl this week and worked out and watched what I ate.  I also made sure to not binge while watching The Biggest Loser last night - instead I did squats during the commercials.  *pats self on back*

So, I have 2 more pounds to go to make my 25 pound weight loss goal.  I'm still kind of shocked that I've lost 23 pounds... it's a good feeling.

Wednesday Weigh-In

Finally!  I finally lost a pound - the same pound I gained a few weeks ago.  I'm back to where I was one month ago.  So, 3 more pounds to go to meet my 25 pound goal.  I plan to dust off the elliptical machine and get back on it this week - it's been horribly neglected the last few weeks.

I think I figured out why I've been staying steady the last few weeks, even with a stomach flu thrown in...  The Biggest Loser.  It's the show's fault.  See, The Biggest Loser airs on Tuesday nights, right before my weekly weigh-in.  And I love that show, but I don't know if I'm alone on this one, but watching that show makes me hungry.  Really, really hungry.  And not just, hey, maybe I'll sit down with the apple.  But, I'm talking about a row of Oreos and some milk to wash it down.  I need Oreos in order to watch people lose weight.  Twisted.  I don't get it.  So, I'm blaming the show on my plateau this past month.

A Bittersweet Season

Since Joel and I have been married, we've been separated plenty for important dates and events...(I started to list them and then got depressed seeing them glaring at me, so I deleted them)...   But with all the birthday's, anniversaries, and holiday's, Joel's always been in-country for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Now, that's not to say that we've celebrated every Thanksgiving and Christmas together - but we've at least seen each other for a bit during those days before he had to go work at the base.  (No, civilians, military bases do not shut down on holidays...  but that's a rant for another day)  *sigh*

I knew that this Season would be hard.  I knew that I would have to be extra cheerful for the girls, so that it is special for them and so they don't feel that there's a big Daddy-sized hole missing.  The word that keeps popping in my mind as I think about what I'm feeling during this time is bittersweet.  This season, for me, is both pleasant yet painful. 

After 8 years of Thanksgivings and Christmases together, Joel and I have our routine, our traditions and our roles: 

- I make the stuffing that he loves. 

- He bakes a pumpkin pie, because I hate to bake. 

- He grumbles as he pulls all of my Christmas stuff out of the garage and asks me every year, why I need so many decorations.

-I drag him to store after store to look at more Christmas stuff

- He sets up the tree while I decorate the house

-We listen to Christmas music as we decorate (his pick is Bing Crosby while I have to fight him to let me put in Josh Groban)

- I watch him from the window as he sets up our deer outside

- I then listen to him rant as he has to fix a broken deer and replace bulbs on said deer

- After the decorating is done, we sit on the couch and cuddle with just the light from the tree

- He watches Grace so I can wrap all the presents at once

- Grace and Joel decorate a gingerbread house together

- I look forward to seeing what ornament Joel ordered from New Hampshire with all of our names inscribed on it

I love our holiday routines.  And this year is obviously different.  I got all the boxes out of the garage and got things set up as the girls napped over a 3 day period.  Then Grace helped me to decorate the small tree this year, because the big tree was too much for me to do without Joel here.  The house looks as cozy as it always does around this time of year, but it feels different. 

I promise you that I'm trying to be cheerful.  I love Christmas - it's my favorite holiday.  I love that I get to see Autumn's eyes grow big as she sees the lights on the tree and her stocking hanging from the mantle.  I love that I get the chance, once again, to tell Grace about a tiny little baby that came to earth to do great things for us.  It's still a magical time, because the meaning of this season didn't change because Joel's overseas. 

So, I'm focusing on Christ and trying not to focus on the emptiness that I feel with Joel being gone during this time.  We have much to be thankful for, and I'm thrilled to spend this time with my two girls, who help me to find joy in the simple things that Christmastime brings.

Wednesday Weigh-In

I've intentionally ignored my weekly Wednesday Weigh-In post.  There hasn't been anything exciting to update you all on as I haven't lost weight these last two week.  I still have four pounds to go in order to meet my 25 pound goal.  I even had the stomach flu this week and yet, the scale didn't budge.  The stomach flu.  Hello?  That's frustrating.  I was sure the stomach flu was going to at least have one positive present for me.

So, tomorrow's Thanksgiving - my brother-in-law and sister-in-law are cooking this year, so I can only imagine that the food will be amazing!  My plan is to enjoy everything, but not to over-indulge.  We'll see... I'm a sucker for mashed potatoes.  And pie.  And bread.  Uh, I'm in trouble.

My Body Battle

There is a reason why I only pull out the scale once a week before my Wednesday Weigh-In posts.  My desire to be "healthy" can become unhealthy and very compulsive without much warning.

Control is the name of the game for me.  It still is.  When life seems out of control, there are a few things that I can easily manage, and food is one of them.  Somehow knowing that I have self-control with what goes in my mouth helps me think, believe and feel that the craziness of life is a little bit more manageable.  Every time life gets tough, I turn to food either as a way to seek comfort or a way to "manage" things that are unmanageable.

College became, for me, the time of constant transition.  Starting school, beginning new friendship, forging an identity outside of my family, deciding a career path...  Everything was new and different, and hard.  I mean really hard.  I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and I found myself suddenly playing the part of adult.  My parents weren't there to make decisions for me.  My friends were hours away and I felt out of my element.  So, I jumped head first into controlling my food - not with the intention of losing weight.  Eating as little as possible made the worries and stresses seem a little less difficult.

Over the next year or so, I would go back and forth with periods of hardly eating and then whatever weight I lost during that time, would quickly come back.  During my sophomore year, I was feeling alone and depressed after transferring to a new college and food, once again, became my means toward finding normalcy.  I remember that for about a month, all I ate was iceberg lettuce with a bit of ranch dressing for flavor and cereal bars.  To wash it down, I'd drink Coke.  Lots of Coke.  So, without much in my stomach except for Coke, I had constant heartburn and I would wash down Tums, with well, more Coke.  When I wasn't doing stuff for school or busy with other activities I would run at night.  And not just a jog around the block, but a hard run, until the world started to spin.  It was my way of beating myself up for the fact that I felt out of control.  I dropped about 20 pounds in about 2 months during that time.

The summer that Joel and I met was a stressful time for me.  My plan was to finish my Senior year as a part time student so that I could work more and save up money.  So, the summer before my senior year, I had signed up to do a full-time internship as well as two independent PE classes.  I would work 32 hours a week and then have school work to turn in for my internship as well as many hours of workouts and homework for my PE classes.  If I wasn't working or hanging out with friends, I was running.  I started losing weight quickly because I had to put in about 7 hours of workouts a week just to fulfill my class requirements, and I was working out more in addition to that.  I felt overwhelmed with the amount of responsibilities I had during that time - exercise was no longer making me feel as in control, so I started to purge.  Purging somehow made that overwhelmed feeling go away for a while.  All the stress, anxiety and feeling not good enough went away when my stomach felt totally empty.

Toward the end of that summer, I got really good at purging and could do it within just a few moments of trying.  I would lie to my roommates  when they'd ask me what was going on and just tell them that I had a nervous stomach.  But one day, my best friend came into the bathroom while I was getting sick and asked me why I was doing this to myself.  I said something to the effect that I couldn't help it.  But with her persistence I finally told her it was the only way that life felt better for me.  All of my stress and anxiety over not doing well enough in my studies, disappointing my professor and realizing that my college experience was ending soon - it all felt better when I dumped those feelings into the toilet.  Somehow.  Twisted logic, I know.

So, exercising and purging became my medicine.  It cured my anxiety and my stress. I got thin - probably the thinnest I had been since junior high.  I felt great, in control and ready to finish college strong.  Joel and I started dating during this time and I struggled hiding what was going on.  Soon he found me hunched over the toilet and asked me what I was doing.  I told him the same lie that I told my friend and I think he bought it for a while.

I felt empty and ashamed.  I knew what damage I was doing to myself.  It was reckless and unhealthy.  I knew who God made me to be and I knew what I was doing couldn't fit into that plan.  Not only what I hurting my body, I was hurting my relationship with God - because as long as I took "control", God couldn't have the place in my life that He deserved.

"For your formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works;

my souls knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, everyone one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there were none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

I awake, and I am still with you."
 - Psalm 139:13-18

 
God made me perfect.  Nothing I could do could ever add to that.   He wanted to be Lord of my life and for years, I had taken that role upon myself.  I controlled everything and I could finally see the damage from my work.  My compulsive need to control food, purge and exercise to beat myself up had made me worn and tired.   Perfection is hard to maintain and the mask it requires you to wear is burdensome.
 
So, over a period of time, I stopped wearing that mask.  I realized that those who were supposed to love me the best would love me even when I wasn't perfect.  I needed to love me even though I wasn't perfect, too.  And most importantly, I had to remember that God never expected perfection from me.
 

"But he said to me,

'My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness.'

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses,

so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

- I Corinthians 12:9

 

I still struggle with control.  Ask my husband... he could go on and on about this one.  And I know I will probably always, in some way, be tempted to take my weight to the extreme with hopes that it will make me feel like I have it together.  But, see, I have these two precious girls in my life.  They will someday notice how I talk about food, my weight and exercise.  Those two little girls will either see their momma talk about those things and treat them in a healthy way or in a destructive way.  I hope Grace and Autumn never go down the path of self destruction like I did.  I hope they learn, at an early age, that God made them perfect.  It's my job as their mother to help them understand that truth and it's a job I take very seriously.  Those two little girls are my accountability - and I'm so thankful for that.



MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

Head over to Wife of a Sailor and join in on the fun!

1.Are you a night owl or an early bird?
Naturally, I'm a night owl.  I love to stay up late and work on projects and watch TV and movies.  My girls have completely changed that, and now in order to beat them at their game, I get up early so that I can at least get a shower in before they get up.


2.What makes you jealous?
I don't think I'm really a jealous person. However, there have been a few girls from Joel's past that have tried to get in touch with him again and that really, really bothers me.  Hello, ladies?  He's taken.  I won!

3.Have you started Christmas/holiday shopping yet? When will you finish? (There’s only 63 days left!)
Yes!  I started this spring, actually.  I think this is the best I've ever done.  I would say I'm about 80% done and it feels so good.  My goal is to be done before the end of November.

4.What would you have a personal chef make you tonight?
I'm really in a surf 'n turf kind of mood.  So, I'd ask for a steak (medium-rare), grilled shrimp, a baked potato and asparagus. 

5.Where was your first kiss?
Technically on the playground in first grade.  Some little boy chased me down and kissed me by the slide.  But my first real kiss was on a porch swing.

Confession time... I feel like a bad blogger this week.  The girls and I have all been a bit under-the-weather and I'm soooo tired.  I have a few blog post ideas floating around in my head, but if you have anything in particular that you'd like me to talk about, let me know please!  I promise to do better next week.