Vertical Church: Chapter 1

In high school, while at a Christian youth conference, I sat in an auditorium surrounded by kids my age.  Most of us in that room had heard of Christ before.  Most of us knew what salvation was and I would imagine, most of us had accepted Christ as a young child.  So there I sat, a teenager secure in her salvation - going on about 10 years as a "Christian".  We sang songs together, listened to a message... some of us took notes.  At the end of that night, the speaker prayed the "sinner's prayer".  You know the one...

If you are tired of living a life apart from God... 

If you realize that you are a sinner in need of Divine grace...  

If you want to accept Christ's free gift and follow Him...

 pray this prayer with me...

It was a prayer I heard so often as a young Christian who went to church every week with my family.  I knew the prayer.  I knew the Gospel.

But something happened at that moment.  While the speaker was asking us to accept Christ, my world shifted.  In that moment, my soul yearned for something greater - greater than my mediocre, lazy Christian life.  I knew of Him, but I didn't know Him.  I loved Him, but my love for Him was shallow.  The life that I lead as a Christian girl was dull.

At that moment my heart hurt.  I wanted more.  I wanted more of Him.  I wanted to know Him better.  To serve Him better.  To love Him with all that I had.

A few minutes later, I found myself sitting between my sister and my youth group leader, weeping.  I  was literally crying out to God.  I wanted the God of the universe, the Almighty, to fall on me, take over my life and rule my heart.

My life was forever changed at that moment.  Although I had many times of falling back into a lazy Christian life - when I became content in the knowledge of God and not His heart - when I was satisfied with living half for Him...  But God always took a hold of me.  Whether it was during times witnessing to Joel before he got saved, or when an initial positive result for cancer came back negative the next day... or the moment I held my daughters for the first time, or even last spring, when God started peeling away the layers of my heart.  I yearn for God's transcendence, for eternity.  You do, too.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that "he has put eternity into man's heart".  It's in all of us - we long for a God that cannot be measured.

James MacDonald discusses this further in chapter one, and perfectly sums up where my struggles have been with my relationship with God:
The dilemma of the human race is not that we are unaware of God but that when push comes to shove, we value ourselves more highly than we value God.  The core of humanity's sin problem is not a horizontal behavior to be corrected, but a Vertical relationship to be restored... All are aware of a God, but most do not acknowledge His rightful place.  (pg. 56)

When I struggle with how I see God, my relationship with Him shifts.  And always for the worse.

A Longing in Our Church
The thing I'm most excited for with our new church is seeing lives changed.  I can't wait to see what happens when our Eternal God changes the hearts of men, women and children in our church.

When God shows up, lives are changed.

9 Years!

Today, Joel and I are celebrating our 9 year anniversary.  Probably like most couples, we always think back on the years we've been together - those sweet first few months of marriage, the times of uncertainty and challenge, and the times that are just plain tough.  The past nine years have been both blissful and painful.

All in all, we have grown together through it.  We have learned our own strengths and weaknesses because of each other.  And we've learned that in all things, we have to work together and not against each other.

Joel's deployments have created their own challenges for us.  If you've been following this blog for a while, you've probably read about them.  But if you're new here or are new friends of ours, please read Part 1 and Part 2 of our first homecoming story.  Joel's first homecoming from Iraq was a major turning point in our marriage.  And it's those months that I think back to often - remembering how much we struggled, how much  we hurt and how much grace God poured on us during them.  We never want to go back to that place, although we're grateful for the experience and the refining God did in our lives during that time.

Nine years ago I was starry-eyed about marriage.  All I could see was rainbows, hearts and fairy dust in our future.  But marriage is not those things.  And I'm thankful for the man God gave me - to push me, grow me, love me, pick me up and help lead me through our lives together.

Joel,


I love you more today than I did yesterday.  Thank you for always loving me, always encouraging me, always seeing the best in me.  Thank you for working so hard for our family and for standing up for what's right, even when it's hard.  I can't imagine my life without you.  I can't imagine life without our little family.  Through all the obstacles of life, I'm honored to walk this road with you.  Praying that God would grow us together this year and that He would show us how to love each other better and more purely.


All my love,
Jill

Proud Mommy Moments: The Alarm

I wasn't planning on doing a Proud Mommy Moment post this week.  But the post kinda wrote itself...

Joel left this morning for training.  Since his report time was so early today, I asked if he wanted to sleep on my side - the side closest to the alarm.  See, I have a horrible problem with either hitting snooze a million times or just turning off the alarm while I'm still asleep.  But Joel decided he trusted me and that it would be fine.

Fast-forward to 1 1/2 hours after the alarm went off...  Grace is at my side of the bed crying, asking to sleep with us.  I look at the alarm, look at Joel and have a total freak-out.  I thought I told him to get up 1 1/2 hours ago.  But apparently not or not well enough.  I turned the alarm off.

So, in the next ten minutes, Joel races around grabbing stuff, getting dressed, saying he's not mad - and he's out the door.  I go upstairs to tuck Grace back into bed.  And then I realize if it wasn't for our little Grace asking to sleep with us, Joel could have gotten into a lot of trouble.  And most likely, it would have been my fault.

Even though it's annoying most nights, I'm glad Grace tried to sneak in our room last night!

Our Fiancial Freedom Journey: 6-Month Check-Up

In September, I first blogged about our goal to become debt-free.  Well, that was 6 months ago, so I thought it was time to fill you all in on what's been going on in our household.

Our ultimate goal is to be completely out of debt, except for our mortgage.  We are absolutely done with consumer debt and since I graduated nearly 9 years ago from college, I'm ready to be done with my student loans.  For 6 months, we have gone to a cash system:  I take out $100 each month for my own fun-money, and I also taken out $250 every other week for groceries and household items.  The only charges we make are on our Debit card (the $ comes directly from our Checking account), and those are for things like prescriptions and gas.  If either Joel or I want to do anything "extra" like buy clothes for the kids or go out to eat, we always talk about those decision together.

Let me also say that our marriage has grown stronger because of this.  We are finally on the same page financially.  But we are also focused on the same goal and we are both 100% committed to that goal.  We are not hiding any purchases from the other person.  We both feel extremely free now!

So, do you want to know how much our little military family has paid-off since September?  $9,200.  Over $9,000 is off our backs.  Our load is lighter and it feels so good!

I have a lot of friends who are struggling to manage finances with debt  hanging over them constantly.  Let me just encourage you... if we can do it, so can you!  It's not fun.  There is a whole lot of self-denial.  But we can finally see the day when we can say we're debt-free... and it's not too far away!

An End in Iraq

I knew the end was coming soon to our time in Iraq, but as I was reading the news this morning, it shocked me to know that our troops were done with our mission there.  I don't know about you, but I've had mixed emotions today about it - happy to be out, anxious of what may happen in the future and hopeful that they sacrifices made there will be known and remembered.

I never served there.  I never touched the soil or looked into a face of an Iraqi.  But Joel did.  And because of him, I feel somewhat invested in Iraq. 

I hope that as our troops come home, that we would remember their sacrifice to a country that is not theirs and that we would continue to be prayerful for the people of Iraq.

Well done, USA.  And welcome home.

10 Things to Smile About: November

1.  My newest niece, Paige!

2.  Watching Gracie as The Little Red Hen in the Kindergarten musical.  She did awesome!

3.  Catching Autumn reading my US Weekly.  Yeah, we're both intellectuals.

4.  Starbuck's Carmel Brulle Lattes.

5.  Lots of great time at the gym with one of my dearest friends.

6.  Nearing completion of my Christmas shopping.

7.  Friend dates.  Karla and I had dinner out at one of our favorite restaurants and then cheered Bella and Edward

on at their wedding.  It was a perfect night.

8.  Eggnog season is here!

9.  Thanksgiving dinner.  It was awesome.

10.  Getting our first real Christmas tree.  Grace helped Joel bring it home for us & Joel's thrilled to finally have a real one this year!

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

Having fun filling-in-the blank with Wife of a Sailor today!

1.The first thing I think of when I get up in the morning is check my messages on my phone.
2.Lately, I’ve been craving nachos because carbs loaded with cheese is just plain awesome.

3.Whenever anyone says the word tornado, it reminds me of my childhood because my hometown was torn-up by a tornado when I was young and I will never look at storms the same.

4.The happiest word I know is shish kabob, but it's actually two words.

5.My spouse may hate it, but I absolutely love sharing meals at a restaurant - he gets one thing and I get another - 2 meals in one.  But Joel never lets me do it.
 
Have a great weekend, everyone!

One Year Ago

One year ago, Joel and I had a restless night's sleep.  We woke up anxious.  I cried about a million times before we loaded all of his bags and our two girls into the car.  We gave lots of hugs and kisses and said goodbye, not knowing what the next many months would be like.

Over the past year we have

grown

cried

struggled

learned

prayed

adjusted

worked

maintained

healed

loved

I have learned so much this past year.  God has been ever-faithful.  Our family is strong.  And there is an abundance of love in our lives.

I am so thankful to be in a different place today than one year ago.  I am thankful we are together again.

Source: imagecache.artistrising.com via Ashton on Pinterest





The Transition Back

I've been wanting to write this post for a few weeks now, but I've had a hard time putting together my thoughts and feelings about it all.... the transition from deployment life to homecoming and now to normal life.

Transitions are hard and there is always a giant unknown regarding the outcome.  Will we come out of this transition stronger, weaker, tougher, sadder, exhausted, hopeless, renewed or broken?  I don't know of any serviceman or military spouse who can say in the middle of a deployment how things will turn out 3, 6 or 9 months after the homecoming.  The homecoming is awesome, but the days following a homecoming don't shine a truthful light to how life will be once things settles and routines get rolling.

I've talked pretty openly about our struggles in 2007 when Joel came home from Iraq.  Take a peek at part one and part two to read more about that.  So I knew how hard life has been for us post-deployment.  My hope was that we learned valuable lessons from that experience and that we wouldn't follow a similar path.  I also knew since I spoke about our struggles so honestly that those around us would be keeping a closer eye on us this time around and that we would have a better support system and accountability around us.

Well, all those things are true.  Joel and I talked openly weeks leading up to his trip home about what his homecoming may and may not be.  We were absolutely dedicated to keeping our marriage strong and focusing on the health of our family.  We weren't going to pick each other apart for the changes that occurred over his 7-month deployment.  We were dedicated to being patient, honest, loving and encouraging.  We knew we'd have to give each other room and ease into our "normal" married life. 

So, over the past two months, I've gotten countless emails and calls wondering how we were adjusting.  That has meant a lot to us.  It means a lot to know that so many people who love us, understand our past better and are willing to be there with us, no matter how good or bad things are.

Every time someone has asked how things have been, one word always comes to mind - peaceful.  Things have truly been peaceful in our relationship.  We are choosing not to bicker, to pick on each other's annoying habits.  We are choosing to listen, no matter how hard words can be to understand.  We are choosing to make our marriage, above all else our priority. 

So, peace has ruled for the past two months.  Our marriage is strong, despite some bumps in the road since Joel's been home.  We are easing into normal life, as much as life lets you ease back.  And when life pushes back and things get tense, we try to remember that we're on the same team and working toward the same goals, and that somehow works things out.

Thanks to all of you who have stood by us, prayed for us and encouraged us along the way.  And keep checking-in and ask how things are going!

Our Getaway

Two weeks ago, Joel and I left for a little post-deployment getaway.  We left Grace and Autumn with my parents and headed to out of town.  Our getaway was as much to get away from the stresses of life as it was to work on strengthening our marriage.

Seven months apart changes a person and it changes a marriage.  A deployment marriage is hard - communication is limited and the time that you do get to talk is brief, at best.  Joel and I knew from our experience after he came back from Iraq in 2007, that our marriage has to be first priority.  And after seven months apart, we knew we had to get away together after he came home.

We rented a cabin in the middle of the woods - away from everything.  For four days, we read, slept, watched movies, ate and enjoyed the quietness that nature gave to us.  We woke up every morning with no stress - no expectations on me for the day ahead.  It was great to cook together, laugh together over last season's Office and focus on each other.

The view from our bed

There were lots of dead things hanging from the walls

Wednesday Weigh-In

This morning was a little depressing.  I'm pretty sure I heard the scale laugh at me when I got on it this morning.  I haven't worked out at all since Joel got home and our kitchen is stocked with lots and lots of junk food - cookies, cake, ice cream, chips, dip, and more cookies.  And since Joel is still not back to his normal sleeping schedule, he's been getting up very early in the mornings and making us pancakes, coffee cake and muffins for breakfast.  A far cry from my bowl of Special K. 

I did grocery shopping on Monday and have a week of healthier meals planned.  Wish me luck!

Today I start back on regular exercise - the elliptical today and I'm going to go into respiratory distress tomorrow by running.  I haven't run since before I got pregnant with Autumn, so I'm sure to get reacquainted with my inhaler at some point soon.

Here's the cake from Joel's welcome home party -

half of which came home with us and was quickly devoured.



Homecoming... A Few More Pictures

I'm back with a few more pictures...  Because Joel had such a long delay in getting home and was exhausted from traveling, I just took my girls with me to pick him up from the airport.  He asked that family and friends wait to see him after he had a chance to shower, sleep and get re-acquainted with his girls.  So, my plan to have a dozen people with their cameras taking pictures of our homecoming didn't happen.  It was just me and my camera, which I pretty much forgot I had after I got two shots.  So here they are...

Grace - 4 1/2

Autumn - 9 months

For those of you who have gone through a deployment homecoming, you know that there is a lot of build up and anticipation and then it all just happens too fast.  The week before Joel came home, I was nervous, restless, had a hard time sleeping and could hardly eat.  Grace knew that he was coming home shortly, and asked me a hundred times a day how many days and hours were left until Daddy came home.  And then we had the dreaded delays.  Lots of delays.  Lots of questions.  Some major heartbreak when we knew that he wouldn't come home on the scheduled day. 

I stalked Facebook for days, hoping that one of the other wives would have some big news about the exact time the guys were coming back.  I don't know how many times I check Facebook last weekend, but I know that Grace would just sigh when she saw me back on the computer.

And then there was news that Joel's unit had seats on a couple flights and would be home that day.  My anxiety amplified and I was on-edge all day.  The hours couldn't have gone by any slower.

Finally, we were at the airport, surrounded by the excitement and anticipation of other wives and kids from the unit.  Joel was one of the first guys out of the terminal and it was surreal to see him in the flesh.  As much as I wanted to run and grab him, I really wanted to see Grace and Autumn's reaction to Daddy.  It was amazing to see him with his girls again and finally, after all these months, I felt content, knowing that our family was together.

We had a party with family and a few close friends...  the last several days have been quiet days at home as a family.  We're getting back into our groove.  There's still an adjustment ahead, but I'm optimistic right now.  So, far it's been pretty easy...  I just have to try and stop asking Joel what he's doing every 5 minutes.  If you've been where I am, you know what I mean.

For now, I'm back to cuddling with my husband while our girls are in bed....  will be back soon.





We Survived the Storm!

We survived this week.  Thank you, Jesus!

As you probably know, or maybe experienced first hand, Indiana got slammed with snow and ice this week.  I had lunch with my parents on Sunday, and my dad mentioned that 18-inches of snow was in the forecast.  We went back and forth for about 10 minutes about it, because I was sure he was joking.  We never get that much snow at a time.  Never.  In the 10 years since I moved to Indiana, we seriously only get 2-3 inches at a time.  Never 18.

So, he finally convinced me to go online and look up the forecast.  I was shocked, in awe and started to cry inside.  I love snow, don't get me wrong.  I think it's beautiful and I'm not one of the whiners from the Hoosier State, who complain year after year about the snow.  I like it.

My biggest concern was that Joel wasn't going to be home for the storm.  It's one thing to deal with 4, 5 or 6 inches of snow by myself with the girls.  But the idea of getting over a foot was too much for me to digest.  So after I picked up Grace from school on Monday, I ran around town filling up on all the necessities...  toilet paper, snacks, baby supplies, batteries, flashlights, candles, salt and prescriptions.

We came home Monday night, all supplied and ready to hang out at home for a few days.  The snow was beautiful - big, fat flakes.  But the wind was horrible and I kept praying, pleading really, that our lights would stay on.  That was my biggest fear - losing electricity and heat with my two girls at home.  Joel gave me a quick "how-to" for plugging the generator into our furnace, but, there is no way I'd be able to figure that out.  Seriously.  Changing the batteries in a flashlight is a big deal for me.  Hooking up our generator to our furnace is an impossibility.

I got up a lot during the night on Monday and Tuesday.  I needed to see if our neighbors had lights and how how bad the snow was getting....  So, I slept very little at night because of worry, but thankfully we all snuggled up in the afternoons for long, long naps.

We had a 3-day pajama party, and it was awesome.  Once I figured that our power would stay on, I was able to relax and really enjoy a few days trapped inside with my girls.  We watched movies, drank hot chocolate, played in the snow, played lions and dogs (they are natural enemies, you know) and just completely enjoyed each other. 

A neighbor shoveled my walks and an awesome guy that knows my parents came by with his dump truck and plowed out my driveway in about 3 minutes.  Grace and I cleaned off my car (well, she ran around trying to hit my car with her shovel...)  And then yesterday, my dad busted his back cleaning out some drifts.  What a huge relief to not have to go out all by my lonesome and deal with all that heavy snow!

Here's our deck from our back door....  Thank you Dad for clearing a path.  And yes, Joel, I left the deck furniture out all winter.  Sorry!

View from our front door.  Oh yes, that's a very special sign in our front yard.  The Mr. gets to see it first and then I'll share it with all of you!!!

Grace on day #2 of the storm - Minnie Mouse ears are necessary to play games on PBS Kids.

Our very sweet, and very chubby Autumn enjoying the view from the back of the house.

Wednesday Weigh-In

I'm enjoying a small victory today with one pound lost this week.  I really didn't expect to see that on the scale this morning, but I'll take it!  In 209 days, I've lost 23 pounds.  I guess there's a very slim chance of losing 2 more before Joel gets home, but I'm not going to kill myself over it.

We'll see how it goes...

Let Me Get This Off My Chest

Joel's homecoming is coming up soon...  I always get asked the same questions again and again during this point in a deployment, so I thought I would just very quickly give some answers to those questions.

1.  When will he be home?
Soon.  That's about as much as I know at this point.

2.  How long will he be home for?
I have no idea.  The military isn't big on a "five year plan" for military families.

3.  Will he have to go back?
Probably.  The military doesn't issue punch cards.  Joel doesn't have to do "x" amount of deployments to satisfy the government.

4.  When will he be done?
He loves what he does so we don't have a time frame.

5.  Why does he re-enlist?  Hasn't he deployed enough?
It is ultimately his decision to make whether he re-enlists.  Again, he loves what he does and he's good at it. 

Those are the big questions I get and yes, I know I sound pretty curt.  Honestly though, I don't mind most of the questions...  I understand that 95% of our friends and family aren't military and we're a Guard family, so I will admit to knowing less than many out there about the confusing web that is military life.  But I will say very honestly here that I do get kind of annoyed that people assume that people who are in the military should only do so much.  They should only be gone for so long, they should only go on one or two deployments within a career...  That logic doesn't make sense to me.  Why would it make sense for a military member to only go on two deployments within a career or only have a few years in before they get out?  I know that some do and I'm fine with that, but if the majority of the military was like that, we'd have a very young and very immature military.  We need people who have many, many deployments under their belt and have had many, many years in so that we can have a strong, solid and mature military.  Why can't my husband want to be a part of that?

When I tell people that Joel's most likely going to stay in for 20+ years, I hear a sigh from them about 70% of the time.  It hurts me.  I get mad.  They act like my husband's deployments and service are somehow a burden to them.  Maybe they're sick of me talking about deployments???  I don't know.  I just don't get it.  This is his career.  This is the life that we've chosen together.  We fully know the cost of this lifestyle.  But I think it's an honorable one.

So, please forgive me for sounding so curt.  I'm mostly a nice person.  Promise.

But right now, I'm just looking forward to him being home.  I can't wait to settle back into a normal marriage and a normal routine with our family.   I just want to enjoy this time and not feel, in some way, that I have to defend the life that we lead.

200 Days

We made it 200 days.  Honestly, I was hoping that Joel would somehow be home before this point, but we're here.

I know many of you have gone through many, many more days than 200.  You've done 12 and 16 month deployments.  We haven't.  Joel's longest deployment was just shy of 180 and I was done at that point.

But 200 still seems like a huge number and a giant feat.  200 days without my husband here has been hard.  I've been working hard to maintain the household and take care of our two girls at the same time.  I've tried hard to honor Joel by keeping things up here as good as if he were here with me.  The house is clean, the laundry is all done and mostly put away.  We've been on time for all our appointments and Grace hasn't been late for school.  The refrigerator is packed with good, nutritious food and I've managed to still make homemade meals... well, at least a few times a week.  The girls have been bathed, fed, tickled, cuddled, read to and have had millions of kisses. 

I've even managed to look out for me.  I've read more in the last few months than I have in years.  I've made time to keep up with my friendships and I've worked hard to grow some relationships that have been sadly neglected. I've grown spiritually...  I've learned to trust God more, to continually seek His wisdom and to rest in the peace that only He can offer.  My relationship with Him is stronger now than I can ever remember it.

But with all that said, I am tired.  Worn out.  Exhausted.  And emotionally, I'm done.

Joel's homecoming is around the corner.  It is getting so close, but even though I know we're near the end, it still feels like he'll never be home.

I have much to do before I can leave to bring him home.  I have meals to prepare and freeze.  I have a pile of paperwork and mail to organize so that he can go through it.  And I have to clean our room.  Our room has somehow become the dumping place for half-done projects.  It's my fault, I'm not going to try to pin in on one of the kids... although Grace has started "moving in" to our room.  So, that is my week's goal.  Clean our room.  Tomorrow.  It can wait one more day.

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

Head over to Wife of a Sailor and join on in the fun...


1.What do you usually want to know about someone when meeting them for the first time?
What they do for a living, what the studied in college, if they have a family, what their children are like, what hobbies they have, what kind of books they read.... I like to ask lots of questions :)

2.Would you rather know everything about your spouse, or be regularly surprised?
I would rather be surprised. Lord willing, Joel and I will have a full life together, and I like to find things out about him as we grow together.

3.If you could live in one city for the rest of your life, where would you live?
Seattle. I've only been there once, when I visited my best friend a few years back. I loved how Seattle has all the conveniences and attractions of a city with really beautiful surroundings. I can't wait to go back there soon.

4.When you go out of town, what one material thing do you ALWAYS take?
My makeup. It's like bringing a toiletry and a hobby with me.

5.Using no more than 10 nouns, and ONLY nouns, describe yourself.
Woman. Mom. Wife. Friend. Idealist. Christian. Shopper. Music. Student. Teacher.

Who Do You Go to?

Christmas is behind us, but I've still been in a very reflective mood lately.  I've spent this deployment reading through much of the New Testament and time and time again, I'm reminded how amazing Christ's entrance into this world was.  I mean, for God to come as an infant... really, that's amazing, and just the beginning of how He displayed time and time again, His willingness to humble Himself for us...

But I digress on the purpose of this post.  One part of the Christmas story that always gets to me, is what happens right after Mary was told by the angel that she would conceive and give birth to the Messiah.  There are a few verbs that stand out, describing Mary's evolution of reaction:  troubled (Luke 1:29), confused (Luke 1:34) and humbled (Luke 1:38).  After the angel left her, Luke says that Mary got ready and hurried to see Elizabeth, her friend.  Mary had just received the most troubling, confusing and humbling news and her first reaction was to immediately go and see her dear friend.

How many times in our own life do we get news, however joyful or troubling, and our first reaction is to run to those who know our hearts?  I can think of so many times when I've immediately called my mom, sister, or dear friends.  You just have to talk to someone - either to release the burden or share the joy.

These last six months, with Joel overseas have been overwhelming.  Both in the best and worst ways.  I'm so thankful for those few who are close to me who I can run to and spill my hurt, sorrow, joy, happiness and raw emotions with.  There have been times when I simply do not think I can hold it together for one more second and it means the world to me to know that there are those who really know my heart and are willing to see me at my worst or celebrate with me when things are at their brightest.

I've been reminded these last few months, how God yearns for us to hurry to Him.  As easy as it is to pick up the phone or ask a friend to meet you last minute when your heart is hurting and your mind is confused, God wants so badly for us to go to Him.  Not only does He want it, He expects it.  James 4:8 says, "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you."  It sounds pleasant enough.  But it's more than just a feel-good statement. It's a command (look at the surrounding verses in chapter 4). 

So, I'm trying.  As easy as it is when I'm stressed, troubled and confused to just pick up the phone, I need to go to Christ first.  He needs to be the first Person who I spill my emotions to.  He wants to know my heart and understand what burdens it.  And even when Joel comes home, God still needs to be my first stop.  Joel's second, but God has to continue to be first.

A Bittersweet Season

Since Joel and I have been married, we've been separated plenty for important dates and events...(I started to list them and then got depressed seeing them glaring at me, so I deleted them)...   But with all the birthday's, anniversaries, and holiday's, Joel's always been in-country for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Now, that's not to say that we've celebrated every Thanksgiving and Christmas together - but we've at least seen each other for a bit during those days before he had to go work at the base.  (No, civilians, military bases do not shut down on holidays...  but that's a rant for another day)  *sigh*

I knew that this Season would be hard.  I knew that I would have to be extra cheerful for the girls, so that it is special for them and so they don't feel that there's a big Daddy-sized hole missing.  The word that keeps popping in my mind as I think about what I'm feeling during this time is bittersweet.  This season, for me, is both pleasant yet painful. 

After 8 years of Thanksgivings and Christmases together, Joel and I have our routine, our traditions and our roles: 

- I make the stuffing that he loves. 

- He bakes a pumpkin pie, because I hate to bake. 

- He grumbles as he pulls all of my Christmas stuff out of the garage and asks me every year, why I need so many decorations.

-I drag him to store after store to look at more Christmas stuff

- He sets up the tree while I decorate the house

-We listen to Christmas music as we decorate (his pick is Bing Crosby while I have to fight him to let me put in Josh Groban)

- I watch him from the window as he sets up our deer outside

- I then listen to him rant as he has to fix a broken deer and replace bulbs on said deer

- After the decorating is done, we sit on the couch and cuddle with just the light from the tree

- He watches Grace so I can wrap all the presents at once

- Grace and Joel decorate a gingerbread house together

- I look forward to seeing what ornament Joel ordered from New Hampshire with all of our names inscribed on it

I love our holiday routines.  And this year is obviously different.  I got all the boxes out of the garage and got things set up as the girls napped over a 3 day period.  Then Grace helped me to decorate the small tree this year, because the big tree was too much for me to do without Joel here.  The house looks as cozy as it always does around this time of year, but it feels different. 

I promise you that I'm trying to be cheerful.  I love Christmas - it's my favorite holiday.  I love that I get to see Autumn's eyes grow big as she sees the lights on the tree and her stocking hanging from the mantle.  I love that I get the chance, once again, to tell Grace about a tiny little baby that came to earth to do great things for us.  It's still a magical time, because the meaning of this season didn't change because Joel's overseas. 

So, I'm focusing on Christ and trying not to focus on the emptiness that I feel with Joel being gone during this time.  We have much to be thankful for, and I'm thrilled to spend this time with my two girls, who help me to find joy in the simple things that Christmastime brings.

Retailers Cheapen Tomorrow's Meaning

I'm not going to rant tomorrow on Veteran's Day - so I'll do it today instead.

I know I'm a bit biased, being a wife of a veteran...  But I HATE Veteran's Day sales and advertising.  Seriously, I have to change the channel every time a Macy's Veteran's Day sale pops on TV flashing images of shoes, jewelry and coats with the U.S. flag streaming in the background.  A few years back I was shopping at Macy's on Veteran's Day and asked the lady who checked me out if they offered a Veteran's discount.  She looked at me like I had just asked her if they sold llamas or something.  Like it would be so absurd to assume with all the red, white and blue balloons and streamers all over the store, that they were actually acknowledging that Veteran's Day meant something more to them than a discount and their bottom line.

Joel and I never expect to get any advantages because of his military status and his deployment history.  His service is just that, a service.  I love that some companies like Disney and Applebees, honor veterans and their families with a free meal or discounts on vacation packages.  I think that's really thoughtful and even though we've never taken advantage of those offers, I respect those companies for reaching out to those who've served in a tangible way.

I wrote Macy's and told them what I thought about their advertising.  I didn't get a response and I didn't expect one.  But tomorrow, on Veteran's Day, I will write them again and next  year, I'll do the same.