Today marks 30 days since Joel left. I woke up feeling blah. Grace came in my room to wake me up and by some sort of miracle, I convinced her to crawl in bed with me and read books. So, she "read" a stack of books while I slept for a bit longer. Right now I'm counting down the hours until I can crawl back into bed.
This past week, my best friend from college was here for a visit. We went to a museum, the zoo, did lots of shopping, went on walks, played with the kids, drank gallons of coffee together, talked and laughed until we cried. It was a perfect visit. It's a blessing to have friends who you can be 100% honest with and 100% yourself with. There are no walls and no masks. Just complete honesty. The ways friendships should be.
She left yesterday and my in-house grown-up companion was gone. I realized how distracted I was when she was here. I didn't constantly worry about Joel. I wasn't anxious at night about being the only adult in the house. I felt like me. But now the worry and anxiety are back and I'm, well, lonely.
I shouldn't be ashamed to say I'm lonely. I don't think it would surprise anyone to think that months and months without your spouse, would leave you feeling lonely. But, there's something about saying it - admitting it to the world. So there it is - I'M LONELY. I want someone to do life with. I want someone to cook for who appreciates it. I want someone to talk politics and theology with. I want someone to sit next to me while I read. I want someone here to help with baths and help pick up toys. I want someone to play with my kids, so I can sit for 10 minutes without interruption. I want Joel here.
Hoping tomorrow will be a better day.
Joel - wherever you are today, I love you.