Today marks 30 days since Joel left. I woke up feeling blah. Grace came in my room to wake me up and by some sort of miracle, I convinced her to crawl in bed with me and read books. So, she "read" a stack of books while I slept for a bit longer. Right now I'm counting down the hours until I can crawl back into bed.
This past week, my best friend from college was here for a visit. We went to a museum, the zoo, did lots of shopping, went on walks, played with the kids, drank gallons of coffee together, talked and laughed until we cried. It was a perfect visit. It's a blessing to have friends who you can be 100% honest with and 100% yourself with. There are no walls and no masks. Just complete honesty. The ways friendships should be.
She left yesterday and my in-house grown-up companion was gone. I realized how distracted I was when she was here. I didn't constantly worry about Joel. I wasn't anxious at night about being the only adult in the house. I felt like me. But now the worry and anxiety are back and I'm, well, lonely.
I shouldn't be ashamed to say I'm lonely. I don't think it would surprise anyone to think that months and months without your spouse, would leave you feeling lonely. But, there's something about saying it - admitting it to the world. So there it is - I'M LONELY. I want someone to do life with. I want someone to cook for who appreciates it. I want someone to talk politics and theology with. I want someone to sit next to me while I read. I want someone here to help with baths and help pick up toys. I want someone to play with my kids, so I can sit for 10 minutes without interruption. I want Joel here.
Hoping tomorrow will be a better day.
Joel - wherever you are today, I love you.
5 comments:
Did you seriously say "talk politics and theology".... I try to never start a conversation about either of those with Joel.... unless of course I have hours to discuss each matter, then of course there are the multiple tangents... well really our conversations never got anywhere.
Although with a good cigar (oh by the way the ones he gave me have officially all been smoked) a beer for me and scotch for Joel we could solve the worlds problems.
*hugs* During our last deployment, I learned that when I finally admitted that I was lonely lots of friends came to my support. I wish I had admitted it sooner.
Jessica - It feels so freeing to openly say it. I often think that I have to put on a brave face. Honesty is always better.
Much respect for mastering such a skill!
I completely get the "do life with" comment. It's hard not having another adult to have nice conversations with. I am in the process of begging friends to come on vacation with me so that I can at least have some good talk over dinner with someone other than my 2 kids. LOL.
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