Saturday, August 7, 2010

30 Days

Today marks 30 days since Joel left.  I woke up feeling blah.  Grace came in my room to wake me up and by some sort of miracle, I convinced her to crawl in bed with me and read books.  So, she "read" a stack of books while I slept for a bit longer.  Right now I'm counting down the hours until I can crawl back into bed.

This past week, my best friend from college was here for a visit.  We went to a museum, the zoo, did lots of shopping, went on walks, played with the kids, drank gallons of coffee together, talked and laughed until we cried.  It was a perfect visit.  It's a blessing to have friends who you can be 100% honest with and 100% yourself with.  There are no walls and no masks.  Just complete honesty.  The ways friendships should be.

She left yesterday and my in-house grown-up companion was gone.  I realized how distracted I was when she was here.  I didn't constantly worry about Joel.  I wasn't anxious at night about being the only adult in the house.  I felt like me.  But now the worry and anxiety are back and I'm, well, lonely.

I shouldn't be ashamed to say I'm lonely.  I don't think it would surprise anyone to think that months and months without your spouse, would leave you feeling lonely.  But, there's something about saying it - admitting it to the world.  So there it is - I'M LONELY.  I want someone to do life with.  I want someone to cook for who appreciates it.  I want someone to talk politics and theology with.  I want someone to sit next to me while I read.  I want someone here to help with baths and help pick up toys.  I want someone to play with my kids, so I can sit for 10 minutes without interruption.  I want Joel here.

Hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

Joel - wherever you are today, I love you.



Did you seriously say "talk politics and theology".... I try to never start a conversation about either of those with Joel.... unless of course I have hours to discuss each matter, then of course there are the multiple tangents... well really our conversations never got anywhere.

Although with a good cigar (oh by the way the ones he gave me have officially all been smoked) a beer for me and scotch for Joel we could solve the worlds problems.

Anonymous said...

*hugs* During our last deployment, I learned that when I finally admitted that I was lonely lots of friends came to my support. I wish I had admitted it sooner.

Jill said...

Jessica - It feels so freeing to openly say it. I often think that I have to put on a brave face. Honesty is always better.


Much respect for mastering such a skill!

TAW said...

I completely get the "do life with" comment. It's hard not having another adult to have nice conversations with. I am in the process of begging friends to come on vacation with me so that I can at least have some good talk over dinner with someone other than my 2 kids. LOL.