After (mostly) successfully surviving the newborn stage with Grace and Autumn, I thought it would be smooth sailing the third time around.
After a incredibly easy labor and delivery, I dealt with all the normal post-delivery transitions with John. I healed quickly and he adjusted to life with us without a problem.
The first few months went by... the normal middle-of-the-night wakings, diaper changes, doctor's appointments, sweet family time, juggling time with all three kids, and constant eye bags... everything, I thought, was normal. It felt normal. We were walking through the normal things.
Toward the end of the summer, I saw a friend for a play date/catch-up-on-life session. She asked me how my summer was. Horrible was my reply.
For the next several minutes I began to say words I hadn't heard in my head until that point... I was sad... I felt angry... I just wanted to stay in bed... I felt disconnected with Joel... I didn't want to do stuff with the kids... I wanted to stay home... My quiet times with the Lord were out of sync... I couldn't pray... I didn't feel like me.
Her response? I wish I had known. Me too!
Seriously, I didn't know I was feeling... experiencing all those things until I was on my way out of the funk that hung over me for the first few months of John's life. How could I have been struggling so much and not know it, until I started feeling normal again?
Poor Joel has felt the brunt of my postpartum funk. I've told friends in our church small group that I've been feeling crazy. Crazy is a good word. I have not been myself... and my sweet husband has stood next to me, being abundantly patient with a crazy woman. All at once, I've been mad, sad, apathetic and hysterical. Not to say, I'm normally totally sane, but the last four months have had a few near bi-polar outbursts on my part.
I'm thankful for a man who is understanding even when I'm sure he is confused by me and wondering where Jill's gone.
So, I'm walking on the path out of this funk. Now that I see that I've been struggling, I've had some very honest conversations with those who have been innocent bystanders in all of this. I'm reading through the Psalms and cherishing the words that David says - saying exactly what my heart feels. I've asked a thousand times for God to heal my heart, calm my emotions and remind me of His Joy.
I'm taking each day as it comes... realizing that the postpartum funk can sometimes come out of nowhere, that I need to ask for help and cherish each day that I have with my little Blessings.