Do you know what is worse than dreaming about going to work or doing housework? A deployment dream... specifically, the deployment goodbye. I was exhausted last night and then Joel and I ended up staying up late talking, which was great. So, by the time I fell asleep, I was really looking forward to just sleeping and maybe even sleeping in. And then it happened... a horrible dream about THE goodbye.
Deployment goodbyes are the worst. It's the most emotionally exhausting goodbye I've had... perhaps there are worse. But I haven't experienced one.
When Joel deployed to Iraq the first time, his squad didn't leave until about 10:00 at night. So we woke up early with Grace and had the whole day together - a day of dread, really, because we knew what was going to round out our day. I pretty much cried that entire day. Poor Joel. He was finishing up packing and trying to spend as much time with Grace and there I was crying. Balling, weeping, sniffling... not pretty cries.
And then the time came for him to leave. We said what we needed to say to each other, we gave each other as many hugs and kisses to last six months and then he was gone. The door shut and I just dropped to the floor - weeping. Poor Grace just looked at me. She had never seen me like that before. I felt absolutely broken - torn to pieces. Part of me was out the door and I didn't know if that part, my best friend, would ever be back. Or if he did come back - what would he be like?
So, last night's sleep wasn't as peaceful as I hoped. I woke up exhausted. I tried to go back to sleep many times, but my mind just wouldn't shut off.
THE goodbye is coming up. I know what to expect. I've done it twice, but it doesn't get any easier. I expect to have many tears ahead and to cry myself to sleep. But we have today. We still have plenty of moments together. So, today I'm hoping that feeling of dread leaves so that I can enjoy these moments together. Trying not to let the feeling of dread ruin our today.